Last Post EVER?

Dear readers (or reader),

I suppose I'm done. I've just finished my last exam for highschool ever. And I'm so giddy, I feel thrilled and I also feel like I'm on a key-lime high (what what?). Well, as you can tell, I'm writing this with a smile on my face and I'm happy.  Please enjoy this song. As soon as I was coming home, it popped into my head and honestly, I feel radioactive, radioactive. 

So folks, if you know what it's like to feel giddy and excited and all those good things, I'm happy for you. I can't wait to spread my wings and fly far into the reaches of summer! It's really odd for me to think that I have all this free time to now do whatever I freaking want! Only two days ago, I was feeling stressed and bummed out for my Calculus exam. Today is the day that I really wanna party!

As always, I appreciate that you are reading this. I guess this is probably the end of Highschool Exam Journal. Though I didn't write everyday, I did write somewhat daily. I'm going to be linking my next blog soon. Stay tuned and have a great summer dear readers.

Why I wished for peace during my Physics Exam

Hey you. How are you doing? Let's take a moment while you read this to meditate for peace.

If you have an window nearby where you can admire the sky or a quiet space where you can quiet your inner self, please do. Take a small moment to appreciate love around you and within you. Are you relaxing and freeing up the tenseness in your body? Relax. Relax. Relaaaaaax.

Feels good doesn't it?

Now, I'm feeling like a breathing guru, but I'm not. It has more to do than breathing - it's about the mindset and intention. Why talk about breathing and peace? It's because it was a tool for me to feel good before, during and after my Physics exam.

Now I know I did the exam for marks, but I wanted to feel at ease with myself even after I finished the exam. And I'm not lying to myself by "pretending" to be peaceful. I was peaceful. And when I walked away from Physics, I was at peace with myself.

I think it's important for the right intention whenever you have a goal for something: like if you walk into an exam or go to a job interview. You walked in feeling at peace and walked out at peace. As long as you recognize any feelings of tenseness (anger, frustration, bitterness, etc) and let go of those feelings, you will grow more as a person.

Slowly but surely we progress, dear ones.

Dear Physics, I'm moving on.

As you probably already know from my last post, I've given up on Physics. Therefore, I'm writing a letter of adieu to Physics. For I will not see it again until maybe first year University.

Dear Physics,

My dear and old friend. We met the first time when I was just a young 16 years old. I reckon you've been around here on earth for an eternity. I just wanted to let you know that I always struggled learning about you. From your intricate problems to your theories, they were laborious and made me want to give up on you many a times. I have almost broken up friendships over you and I have doubted myself several times because I got to know you. I'm sorry that I'm blaming you for everything. In essence, this is how I feel about you: frustrated. Now I know you can never write me a letter back or anything, but I give up my feelings of frustration and fear with and of you. I forgive you. And in forgiving you I forgive myself for feeling this way. I am ready to move beyond these feelings for you so that I can grow because of you. So therefore, we can always remain friends if you want.

It was nice knowing you. I felt challenged because I met you, so I thank you for that.

Well, cheers and bye.

All the best,
Your friend, Cynthia.


P.S. If you want to invite me out for a lunchtime reading, that's okay with me too. But, I don't think I ever want a deep relationship with you. What you want and what I want are totally not in sync and I'm moving on.

What happens when you're totally unprepared for an exam tomorrow?

Hey you. So, I realized that the blog posts that I'm posting are shared with more people that I thought. I guess that's overall a good thing!

Um, so the branching topic today is based on my Physics 12 Exam tomorrow. I feel nothing for it anymore. If I dig deep into the darkest corners of my innermost self, you'll find me squirming and regretful that I didn't do more in this course to practice Physics. Inevitably, as the course is running to a finish line, I feel sad that I didn't do more :(

I think the lesson learned is that initial attitude is a huge chunk of how the rest of the course is going to play out. If I approached this course with a better intention to learn something instead of being a "filler course" (like something I don't have to care about), I would have felt much better. I think I'll always regret not doing more in Physics. It's not even about the marks anymore. It's ultimately about trying to think like a physicist. And to realize this only a couple weeks before the end makes it feel like it's too late, but I know that I can always review on my own and try again.

What am I going to do about my exam? We were allowed to make our own formula sheet to bring into the exam, but I don't know how to use many of the formulas. I think there's no use cramming at this point. All I need to do is pass and with my luck and my Physics teacher's generosity in marking, I will make it through.

The next time I prepare for an exam, I need to start at least 1 week earlier. I cracked open my textbook one week ago, but my eyes glazed over when I read the first question, so I put it away. Diving in for the main details is the only thing I can do now, dear friends. Wish me luck since I have three exams in total. I wish you all the best of luck as well.


Thanks for reading.

Studying for exams is like trying to run into a brick wall - hell yeah, it hurts

Exams. Exams. Exams. They're here.

Today is my last day of "highschool"; After this, there will only be exams, exam review day and commencement where I will walk across the stage and take my high school diploma from the hands of one of the staff.

Today doesn't feel like the last day. My friend and I walked past a group of seniors sitting around a circle covering their eyes in silence with their blue yearbooks open. I thought they were crying. My friend thought they were praying together. It turns out they were just listening for the next instructions in playing Mafia. Sigh. I got some sad blues from signing the yearbooks of my friends, thinking about the memories and feelings that I remembered. It makes me want to stay a little longer in high school, just so I could be grateful for just basking in their presence. Well... for the past two months (or maybe even in April) I've been more appreciative of the time of my friends when we do even the most ordinary of things - walking with them all the way to the subway station and eating lunches with them. It makes me ask: when will I see them next after high school?

So why does studying for exams make me feel like I'm running into a brick wall? It's because it reminds me that I have only so few days left with my classmates, my dear close friends. I've felt choked up from signing my friends' yearbooks - trying to dig into all my memories for the things that meant most to me. I hope I can make it through to exam review day. That will be truly the last time I'll see many familiar faces.

And as always, thanks for reading.

Grades really boil down to just a number

I'm feeling spontaneous today - and trust me because I know myself, this doesn't mean anything good. Why? I'm the type of person who needs rules. I need to take chronological steps in order to achieve something and when I don't do that (when I just "wing - it") it only fuels my habit to always "wing - it". This is why I inherently don't feel bad when I see a failing or barely passing mark because I know that since I had no idea what was going on anyways, this was what I deserved.

But, if grades are a reflection of how I just "winged - it", what about the classmates who also achieved the same passing grade as me, but they had worked way harder than I did, understood way more than I ever would have and just accredited that low mark due to silly mistakes? What do grades really mean then?

I ask this because I got back my last Physics test today on Wave Relativity & Relative and Quantum Mechanics. I just passed overall. I was a couple points away from failing (as in 50%). My friend beside me achieved the same grade, yet she did way more practice problems than I did (I did close to none) and she understood all the concepts (I am not being humble when I say that I walked into that test knowing close to nothing). What then does a grade mean? When we got back our test mark, she started to cry and get upset because she thought that her effort would raise her mark. Yet her mark did not increase.

I'm concluding here that the meaning of a grade depends on case by case basis. The education system bases itself so much on a performance based system through achievement of high grades. Yet, in the "real" world, what is the meaning of grades being beyond a number? Yes, you can develop a good work ethic and you will feel good about studying hard and studying smart. But when you get that score on a test, in a course, on your transcript, beyond allowing you to put your foot into the door for other institutions such as Grad, Pharmacy, Med Schools, etc, if you went through all that just to say "HASTA LA VISTA BABY, SCHOOL IS NOW WRECKED. PEACE" just to jump onto the next best train, did the grading system allow you to grow as a person? You may have made it to post-graduate school, but having good grades reinforces the institutional education system, so where are YOU in all of it? What more are grades beyond being a number - because you are not your grades and you are not a number.

I think it's important to ask these big questions. It's easy to go along the flow and accept that society needs to churn us out into one-stop-shop ready workers, but if you're feeling like the grading system is failing you, maybe you need to switch into another subject. Or give the subject another shot. A better shot. Whichever action you choose to do, I believe it's necessary to consciously choose for yourself. Don't let the education system choose for you, because if you lived your life believing all you needed were good grades to provide you food, shelter and enough to start a family, you're not digging deep enough into your own needs and what makes you tick.

Really, it's all about balance. Drowning yourself under the impression that grades will save you from all the bad things in life is only going to put you in more misery. Don't drown. Reach out for a mentor. Do your research.

I wish I could put some statistics here to back up my points, but what I have is only intuition and experience. I believe that actions speak louder than words, so you can choose to take my words for face value and/or try it out yourself and actually do something about how you learn and what you feel towards your education.

As always, thank you for reading.

Exams are coming up and all I have in my brain are unnecessary thoughts

There are four days until my Physics 12 Exam (on Monday) and about a week and 2 days until my Calculus Exam (on Thursday).

0_0

I'm sleep deprived and sick with a nasty cold that is causing me headaches and all I want to do is sleep because I feel like I'm a walking drunk person. Sorry for the excuses, and I'm sorry for complanin'. But at least I don't feel ashamed of doing badly anymore.

I'm still contemplating like what to do after highschool. After university. And I'm still very confused. I look at my peers and I'm slightly jealous that they are going into careers which will bring them money and probably success because it's what they've always dreamed of. I know it's wrong to go into a career just for the money, because 30 years down the road, I'll look back on what I've been doing with my life, wondering if I've been living the life I've always wanted to live. The answer to that question probably isn't all that complicated. I probably need to test out a few careers (via volunteer positions and entry level jobs) to find my fit.

"Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different.." - C.S. Lewis

C.S. Lewis hits right on the spot and is a reminder of how I feel. All I know now is that I need to get a 75% final average in Calculus and Physics 12 and my other course, Economics 12, don't get priority beyond those. I know it's important to be asking myself the important questions, and finding the answers, but at times like these when I need to focus and get a good mark, I need to place those questions in the backseat and start reviewing for my exams.

Peace out. And thank you so dearly for your patience. Good luck to you and cheers to the future c:

Sorry for the slow posts!

I have some legit and not-so-legit excuses for not writing on this journal.

Legitwise: I had my prom and after-prom party, which made me super tired. Thus, I didn't have a chance to post anything on here.

Non-legit wise: My pre-prom and post-(post) prom, I was free and I was just wasting my time. Time doing nails is considered a waste of time to me, guys.

So what's up? My Calculus test is the day after tomorrow, my Physics test and Economics tests are on the end of this week. I'm feeling doomed for everything. Well. At least these are the last things before my exams. I cry some days. But as the end of school fast approaches and graduation is coming upon us, this is a weird time for seniors like me.

How to get over A Bad Test (aka Post-Test Blues)

Post Test Blues? Yes, I get them many times after a bad test and I learned a few lessons that I'd like to share with you. You will end up learning something from what my surreal experience of always feeling like the odd one out after not performing well.

After I wrote my Calculus test, I felt very unsatisfied with my performance. Generally after tests, I have a habit of consulting my peers and there are one of two reactions: either I get a sympathetic, "Yeah, oh my g-- it was so bad!" or "Oh my g--! What was that test? Was it really that easy?" In the first case, I tend to feel a little better since I have people to sympathize with my level of low-confidence after writing a terrible test. But after my test on Friday, every classmate I talked to gave me the second scenario, which ultimately sucked. I felt terrible when everyone told me that the test was that easy, since I felt like I didn't know half of what I was doing on that test. So, here are some questions that I think help me so I can do better and feel better about tests in the future tests to come.

1. First, admit if there is a pattern of feeling bad after every test. In my case, yes - I felt bad after every Calculus test, and I've written about six tests so far. If no, and this is your first bad test, no worries, because you've picked up this problem right away. So good for you! This question is just to ask if you've neglected looking at the problems and thank goodness you want to learn how to be better starting now.
2. Identify the reasons why you feel bad after your test. Even in the days approaching the test, I'd feel very doomed to fail. My reasons why I felt bad after every test were piled up one atop the other, threatening to fall and wreak havoc. Some reasons include doing enough homework to understand the concepts. Another reason is not leaving enough time to review the concepts that I kind-of understand. Another reason could be believing that no matter what I do, I would still do poorly on the test because of all the aforementioned reasons. So, I felt bad after every test because of mental stress, poor time management and not asking for help.
3. Ask yourself how you can start do better on the next test knowing these reasons. Now that I've identified my problems, I could ask peers who are successful for tips. I could also ask my teacher for extra help when I don't understand concepts. I could do more math homework.
4. Practice what you've learned from your mistakes. Be better. But in the end, it comes down to practicing successful habits to do well. I can philosophize and research all the tips and tricks, but the best way to feel better is practice, practice, practice. Whether it's math practice, or practicing asking questions or practicing good habits, it will make life pre-Tests much easier. Practice makes perfect right?

It seems simple to do it all in writing, but I know I am bound to feel bad before and after my next test. Since I know I'll feel bad, at least I'm conscious of my past failures and I know the possibilities to succeed. For now, my strategy is to do more math. I will put into practice the thing I need most practicing on! 

Post Script: Post-Test Blues and Pre-Test Blues are made up words by me, but they sound like illnesses... The cure is to practice good habits, so carry on with courage and strength!

Feeling the Doom - Test Tomorrow

I've resigned myself to go to sleep, since it's 10:30 p.m. and I can't smash in any more Calculus in my head tonight. I'd end up stressing myself out and I won't think clearly tomorrow. There's a feeling of doom looming over my head. I'm not happy at all. Neither am I sad. I'm a bit frustrated that I didn't do more, but there's so much I can do between now and tomorrow.

My plan is to wake up at about 5:45 am latest and read the textbook examples until I understand the gimmick of 6 chapters that I need to understand. It's probably going to take me 2 hours to understand them, but I don't think I should consider time right now. I only have to focus on understanding the main problems in this unit.

My peers at school are generally pessimistic about this test. Well, some of my friends don't care anymore and there are people who are failing tests and quizzes. In this type of atmosphere, it's difficult for me to scrounge up the courage to do well. I'm thinking about tiny things which are bothering me right now and it's not helping my mood to focus on Calculus. Everything is dwarfed by how important Calculus is right now. Yet, I am human and I need my sleep to focus. I have never depended on coffee for energy on tests and exams and I don't think it's wise for me to start. I'm going to have to wake up early and while warmly bundled up in my blankets, I will quietly study my textbook under the bright morning sunshine.

The world is still running whether I do well on this test or not. So, I guess nothing major will happen if I do poorly. For now, I just need a 75%.

Time to sleep, dream and focus on Calculus in the morning. Good night lovely readers.

Doing Math makes me Happy

Hi fellow readers, I'm logging my first time doing Calculus from the textbook homework again! I'm feeling better now that I've actually gotten something done rather than having a shadow hanging over my head making me think, "I should do some Calculus... but at the same time, I feel bad and I don't want to." So what did I do? I did Chapter 8.6: Sketching Planes in R3 in my Nelson Calculus and Vectors Textbook . I have no idea why I just linked my textbook, but if you ever were curious (and I don't blame you) there it is.

I did all the assigned homework for today and I'm pleased with myself because it proves that as long as I have music to listen to (I was listening to the Fifty Shades of Grey Motion Picture Soundtrack) and a good environment and table with all my supplies, I can get down to work. I hope that I am not discouraged to face Calculus in the future.

I have to agree though that perhaps motivation isn't something spontaneous and I don't want it to come at random moments because I won't want to do my work anytime. Okay - so I'm already not doing my work a lot of the time, but I'm trying harder and slowly I am improving. I'm starting to believe that motivation is something that grows and it's something that is cultivated by our environment. In a good environment, motivation can thrive and I can get work done. But what do I mean by a "good environment"? I've already mentioned the right atmosphere and stationary, but is there anything else I need? Yes - and it's the right attitude.

All this time, I've tried to force myself to power through doing my Calculus homework, when it doesn't have to be that way. I've noticed that trying to think with "I should do Calculus" mentality doesn't work for me because I set myself an expectation that leads me to put pressure on myself. What works for me instead is to approach the work in front of me as if I don't know anything about it and the only way I will master it, or get a smidgen better, is if I try and practice it.

So, the point of this post is that the best way for me to learn math and eventually feel better about myself is to do it. If I don't do it, it's obvious I will feel discouraged. So, my dear friends, do math if you want to learn it. I'm not sure about other subjects, but since this instruction sounds simple enough, do math and you will get better.

Alrighty, time to do some more math catch-up. Now that I've returned to doing math, I don't feel like stopping anytime soon. I'm full of good tunes today.

Life Skills every girl should know before she turns 18

I was going to start this post on Calculus and how I'm suffering from not doing my homework, but I get distracted really easily. My current distraction is an article by Gurl which is a list of life skills every girl should learn before she turns 18. I'm agreeing with most of the articles on the list since I wanted to talk about it here. And I'm sorry this kind of topic doesn't have much to do with my upcoming high school exams, but life skills are a heck of a lot more important than marks (I'm exaggerating - marks clearly count when I need them for admission to university).

As my 18th birthday recently passed, I thought that I might as well read this well prepared list and see if I've got what it takes to be 18! Turns out that I've got a few screws missing, of course.

One, my basics of personal finance suck. I've never used a checkbook for anything before and I'm not sure what credit scores are. Since I've recently gotten a job, my dad recommended that I started an excel to record all my hours - I'm still figuring it all out.

Two, I know how to cook, except, I depend on my mom mostly for the good stuff. I find it sad that I don't know how to make my favourite foods - like tomato tofu dish, vegetarian curry and mustard leaves. Well, at least I know how to boil broccoli.

Three, I don't know how to maintain a car. I don't even have a car. Heck, I don't even have my driving license. If I was out on a road alone in the middle of who-knows-where and my only salvation was a car with a flat tire, I wouldn't know how to change to save my life. Now, that's another problem on my list.

Four, I still have issues with communication. I don't know how to communicate with my parents - especially when I talk about the things that I want. I'm scared to sound selfish because then I sound stupid asking for something. It's different asking for something from my friends, because I don't care if I'm judged. But being judged by my parents is a big deal for me, and I still need to learn how to talk with them.

Five, I don't know how to do taxes. I've never worked long enough to deal with taxes. Whoop whoop for me.

Six, working with insurance. I don't think I have insurance on anything. But, after being in a car accident recently, knowing insurance is really really important, and when I get burdened with responsibilities, I'll pay attention to those.

Seven, anger management is a touchy issue. There are days I bottle it all up and it snowballs so bad that I break down and cry. And there are days when I release the anger and I'm calm with myself. Either way, I think I'm working anger management out and although I can't say it's successful all the time, I'm putting effort in to reacting better.

Enough distractions, I have to start my Calculus homework and prepare for the quiz tomorrow. Today's quiz was like someone threw me under a truck. Harsh, but all the more reason for me to try and forgive myself for putting too much pressure to succeed. In the end, I'm the one who faces all my feelings and if I'm going to put myself through pain, I might as well not resist my nasty habits. Instead, I need to face my issues with a clear head, and I know the path will smoothly open itself to me. I really wish studying Calculus will get smoother as the days progress.

First Action

It's the morning before I go back to school, from the long weekend. I woke up feeling sluggish. Homework was not done last night. And I have a math quiz today. A math quiz tomorrow. A math test on Friday. 

Clearly, since I have not been doing my homework for the past week, I am in a terrible situation. If I need 80% on this test, not doing my homework is going to guarantee my failure and I cannot expect to do well.

Therefore, my first call to action is using a to-do list. The best to-do list for me is my planner - which I have been denouncing its importance since the beginning of the year. 

I'm frustrated at myself and I seriously just want to slap myself for not doing my work in the past. Because I didn't feel like doing my work, now I have to pay. Especially in the mornings like now, before I have to go to school and I face the repercussions of what I've done. 

But, I can't stay hung over what I've done. What's done is done. Seriously. What I need to do from here on out is to put my game face on and get through the work. 

Who am I kidding though? I need motivation. Fine. If I need motivation and getting rejected by University isn't enough, then the question to ask myself - am I fine with looking back on the last semester of high school, thinking that I didn't do enough? Enough for myself to be satisfied with? 

First Confession/Reflection on School Habits

I have to confess something.

I haven't been doing any of my homework in a while. Like longer than a month. This is not me being hard on myself. It's the solid cold truth. And I'm feeling slightly ashamed and disappointed in myself.

There's a saying I remember similar to "Don't be mad at yourself for what you did not do". But at the same time, procrastinating and avoiding work is something that I did do. Therefore, I do have a reason to get angry at myself. But, my dear swimming teacher told me a quote that makes me feel better about myself "If you do something wrong, don't be sorry. Be Better." And that's what I need to do. Be better.

Instead of taking school and homework day by day, hour by hour, just wishing time would pass a little faster or if I had more hours in the day, I need to say, "I want to be better with my study habits." I'm killing myself inside and it's showing in the external world - in my marks and in the way that I isolate myself around my peers and family.

My only question now, that I need to answer is ... am I willing to start being better? Or will I roll in the dirt of my mistakes, constantly apologizing to myself?

First Post ... Ever

I'm kidding. This isn't my first post ever. But, this is my first post on the last high school exams that I'll take. Ever. That's right - I'm in Grade 12, and I'm a little over a month from graduating my last year of high school. Senioritis has hit hard earlier this year and I'm going to suffer the consequences of losing my university acceptance if I don't pull my grades higher.

My birthday just passed a few days ago, and this blog is a gift to myself. I have but one rule, I am making a vow to post regularly here for a month. I would be happy posting here everyday, but life happens and I'm sure to miss a couple of daily posts. So, this rule is to save myself the stress and disappointment.  Also, I'm only a month or so away from my high school exams, so what better way than to reflect on myself while becoming a blogger?  Getting two things done at once never felt better.

Since I am about a month away from exams (make that maybe 3 weeks of official teaching and 1 week of review) and I will talk about everything I'm doing from the study schedules I set for myself to the punishments I give myself for procrastinating.

To all my readers, bear with this struggling student as she works hard in the face of adversity (if you can call graduating an adversity, that is).