Last Post EVER?

Dear readers (or reader),

I suppose I'm done. I've just finished my last exam for highschool ever. And I'm so giddy, I feel thrilled and I also feel like I'm on a key-lime high (what what?). Well, as you can tell, I'm writing this with a smile on my face and I'm happy.  Please enjoy this song. As soon as I was coming home, it popped into my head and honestly, I feel radioactive, radioactive. 

So folks, if you know what it's like to feel giddy and excited and all those good things, I'm happy for you. I can't wait to spread my wings and fly far into the reaches of summer! It's really odd for me to think that I have all this free time to now do whatever I freaking want! Only two days ago, I was feeling stressed and bummed out for my Calculus exam. Today is the day that I really wanna party!

As always, I appreciate that you are reading this. I guess this is probably the end of Highschool Exam Journal. Though I didn't write everyday, I did write somewhat daily. I'm going to be linking my next blog soon. Stay tuned and have a great summer dear readers.

Why I wished for peace during my Physics Exam

Hey you. How are you doing? Let's take a moment while you read this to meditate for peace.

If you have an window nearby where you can admire the sky or a quiet space where you can quiet your inner self, please do. Take a small moment to appreciate love around you and within you. Are you relaxing and freeing up the tenseness in your body? Relax. Relax. Relaaaaaax.

Feels good doesn't it?

Now, I'm feeling like a breathing guru, but I'm not. It has more to do than breathing - it's about the mindset and intention. Why talk about breathing and peace? It's because it was a tool for me to feel good before, during and after my Physics exam.

Now I know I did the exam for marks, but I wanted to feel at ease with myself even after I finished the exam. And I'm not lying to myself by "pretending" to be peaceful. I was peaceful. And when I walked away from Physics, I was at peace with myself.

I think it's important for the right intention whenever you have a goal for something: like if you walk into an exam or go to a job interview. You walked in feeling at peace and walked out at peace. As long as you recognize any feelings of tenseness (anger, frustration, bitterness, etc) and let go of those feelings, you will grow more as a person.

Slowly but surely we progress, dear ones.

Dear Physics, I'm moving on.

As you probably already know from my last post, I've given up on Physics. Therefore, I'm writing a letter of adieu to Physics. For I will not see it again until maybe first year University.

Dear Physics,

My dear and old friend. We met the first time when I was just a young 16 years old. I reckon you've been around here on earth for an eternity. I just wanted to let you know that I always struggled learning about you. From your intricate problems to your theories, they were laborious and made me want to give up on you many a times. I have almost broken up friendships over you and I have doubted myself several times because I got to know you. I'm sorry that I'm blaming you for everything. In essence, this is how I feel about you: frustrated. Now I know you can never write me a letter back or anything, but I give up my feelings of frustration and fear with and of you. I forgive you. And in forgiving you I forgive myself for feeling this way. I am ready to move beyond these feelings for you so that I can grow because of you. So therefore, we can always remain friends if you want.

It was nice knowing you. I felt challenged because I met you, so I thank you for that.

Well, cheers and bye.

All the best,
Your friend, Cynthia.


P.S. If you want to invite me out for a lunchtime reading, that's okay with me too. But, I don't think I ever want a deep relationship with you. What you want and what I want are totally not in sync and I'm moving on.

What happens when you're totally unprepared for an exam tomorrow?

Hey you. So, I realized that the blog posts that I'm posting are shared with more people that I thought. I guess that's overall a good thing!

Um, so the branching topic today is based on my Physics 12 Exam tomorrow. I feel nothing for it anymore. If I dig deep into the darkest corners of my innermost self, you'll find me squirming and regretful that I didn't do more in this course to practice Physics. Inevitably, as the course is running to a finish line, I feel sad that I didn't do more :(

I think the lesson learned is that initial attitude is a huge chunk of how the rest of the course is going to play out. If I approached this course with a better intention to learn something instead of being a "filler course" (like something I don't have to care about), I would have felt much better. I think I'll always regret not doing more in Physics. It's not even about the marks anymore. It's ultimately about trying to think like a physicist. And to realize this only a couple weeks before the end makes it feel like it's too late, but I know that I can always review on my own and try again.

What am I going to do about my exam? We were allowed to make our own formula sheet to bring into the exam, but I don't know how to use many of the formulas. I think there's no use cramming at this point. All I need to do is pass and with my luck and my Physics teacher's generosity in marking, I will make it through.

The next time I prepare for an exam, I need to start at least 1 week earlier. I cracked open my textbook one week ago, but my eyes glazed over when I read the first question, so I put it away. Diving in for the main details is the only thing I can do now, dear friends. Wish me luck since I have three exams in total. I wish you all the best of luck as well.


Thanks for reading.

Studying for exams is like trying to run into a brick wall - hell yeah, it hurts

Exams. Exams. Exams. They're here.

Today is my last day of "highschool"; After this, there will only be exams, exam review day and commencement where I will walk across the stage and take my high school diploma from the hands of one of the staff.

Today doesn't feel like the last day. My friend and I walked past a group of seniors sitting around a circle covering their eyes in silence with their blue yearbooks open. I thought they were crying. My friend thought they were praying together. It turns out they were just listening for the next instructions in playing Mafia. Sigh. I got some sad blues from signing the yearbooks of my friends, thinking about the memories and feelings that I remembered. It makes me want to stay a little longer in high school, just so I could be grateful for just basking in their presence. Well... for the past two months (or maybe even in April) I've been more appreciative of the time of my friends when we do even the most ordinary of things - walking with them all the way to the subway station and eating lunches with them. It makes me ask: when will I see them next after high school?

So why does studying for exams make me feel like I'm running into a brick wall? It's because it reminds me that I have only so few days left with my classmates, my dear close friends. I've felt choked up from signing my friends' yearbooks - trying to dig into all my memories for the things that meant most to me. I hope I can make it through to exam review day. That will be truly the last time I'll see many familiar faces.

And as always, thanks for reading.

Grades really boil down to just a number

I'm feeling spontaneous today - and trust me because I know myself, this doesn't mean anything good. Why? I'm the type of person who needs rules. I need to take chronological steps in order to achieve something and when I don't do that (when I just "wing - it") it only fuels my habit to always "wing - it". This is why I inherently don't feel bad when I see a failing or barely passing mark because I know that since I had no idea what was going on anyways, this was what I deserved.

But, if grades are a reflection of how I just "winged - it", what about the classmates who also achieved the same passing grade as me, but they had worked way harder than I did, understood way more than I ever would have and just accredited that low mark due to silly mistakes? What do grades really mean then?

I ask this because I got back my last Physics test today on Wave Relativity & Relative and Quantum Mechanics. I just passed overall. I was a couple points away from failing (as in 50%). My friend beside me achieved the same grade, yet she did way more practice problems than I did (I did close to none) and she understood all the concepts (I am not being humble when I say that I walked into that test knowing close to nothing). What then does a grade mean? When we got back our test mark, she started to cry and get upset because she thought that her effort would raise her mark. Yet her mark did not increase.

I'm concluding here that the meaning of a grade depends on case by case basis. The education system bases itself so much on a performance based system through achievement of high grades. Yet, in the "real" world, what is the meaning of grades being beyond a number? Yes, you can develop a good work ethic and you will feel good about studying hard and studying smart. But when you get that score on a test, in a course, on your transcript, beyond allowing you to put your foot into the door for other institutions such as Grad, Pharmacy, Med Schools, etc, if you went through all that just to say "HASTA LA VISTA BABY, SCHOOL IS NOW WRECKED. PEACE" just to jump onto the next best train, did the grading system allow you to grow as a person? You may have made it to post-graduate school, but having good grades reinforces the institutional education system, so where are YOU in all of it? What more are grades beyond being a number - because you are not your grades and you are not a number.

I think it's important to ask these big questions. It's easy to go along the flow and accept that society needs to churn us out into one-stop-shop ready workers, but if you're feeling like the grading system is failing you, maybe you need to switch into another subject. Or give the subject another shot. A better shot. Whichever action you choose to do, I believe it's necessary to consciously choose for yourself. Don't let the education system choose for you, because if you lived your life believing all you needed were good grades to provide you food, shelter and enough to start a family, you're not digging deep enough into your own needs and what makes you tick.

Really, it's all about balance. Drowning yourself under the impression that grades will save you from all the bad things in life is only going to put you in more misery. Don't drown. Reach out for a mentor. Do your research.

I wish I could put some statistics here to back up my points, but what I have is only intuition and experience. I believe that actions speak louder than words, so you can choose to take my words for face value and/or try it out yourself and actually do something about how you learn and what you feel towards your education.

As always, thank you for reading.

Exams are coming up and all I have in my brain are unnecessary thoughts

There are four days until my Physics 12 Exam (on Monday) and about a week and 2 days until my Calculus Exam (on Thursday).

0_0

I'm sleep deprived and sick with a nasty cold that is causing me headaches and all I want to do is sleep because I feel like I'm a walking drunk person. Sorry for the excuses, and I'm sorry for complanin'. But at least I don't feel ashamed of doing badly anymore.

I'm still contemplating like what to do after highschool. After university. And I'm still very confused. I look at my peers and I'm slightly jealous that they are going into careers which will bring them money and probably success because it's what they've always dreamed of. I know it's wrong to go into a career just for the money, because 30 years down the road, I'll look back on what I've been doing with my life, wondering if I've been living the life I've always wanted to live. The answer to that question probably isn't all that complicated. I probably need to test out a few careers (via volunteer positions and entry level jobs) to find my fit.

"Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different.." - C.S. Lewis

C.S. Lewis hits right on the spot and is a reminder of how I feel. All I know now is that I need to get a 75% final average in Calculus and Physics 12 and my other course, Economics 12, don't get priority beyond those. I know it's important to be asking myself the important questions, and finding the answers, but at times like these when I need to focus and get a good mark, I need to place those questions in the backseat and start reviewing for my exams.

Peace out. And thank you so dearly for your patience. Good luck to you and cheers to the future c: